That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
