Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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