got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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