My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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