He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
