Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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