Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
