just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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