Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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