sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
