**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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