There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
