So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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