I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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