my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
