my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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