everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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