if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
