Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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