We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
