This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Be still, my beating vagina.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
