He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
