walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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