Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
