Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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