Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
