plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
