In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
