Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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