I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
