you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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