in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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