Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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