The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
