I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
