Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
