I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
