made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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