I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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