i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
