I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
