I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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