I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Randomize
