Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
