upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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