I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
