In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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