my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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