You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
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