If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
